Saturday, August 12, 2017

Being Known

"You are too nice...I don't trust you."
"You are too happy...You're going to blow one of these days, keeping all the anger hidden."

These are comments people have made to my face. I was taken back at the time of these comments, just briefly, shrugged them off and carried on.

"Oh...you're decisive, very direct...I like this new you. You used to be so quiet and meek."

Again, a comment made in a recent conversation. 

Each time I was amused by the observations and pondered them a bit, but this last time I engaged in a little more self reflection.

To others I have always been a bit of a mystery. I don't really like being known. I don't know why.

To put these comments into a little context, I work in healthcare. Front-line triage to bedside care. These were comments made by colleagues. I work in a French first environment and I am not fully bilingual so the air of mystery is even greater in some ways because of the language barrier.

Regardless of the language barrier, what people perceive of my personality is interesting to me. I would really love people to always see Jesus in what I say and do; however, that is not how it would seem to usually work. When people see the good, I do not know if they give credit to God. But when possible, I give credit to Him - "Oh you are so patient!"..."God gives me the strength and patience." ...Or something like that.

In Canada, though we are a "tolerant" and "inclusive" people, we are still limited in (what is considered) imposing our belief systems on others. So, postulating is done more when invited. Unless you are "wearing a collar". (That concept is for another post.)

Over the past several months I have been focusing on becoming more authentic. This change that my colleagues see may be because of that intent. But I want more. I want Jesus to be reflected through my words and actions more and more. 

Easier said than done.  (See Paul's struggle in Romans 7)

We should all want this. To be more like Jesus. I look to many online personalities that I have come to respect over the years as oblivious mentors. Knowing Jesus is a life long process, and where I struggle and/or fail, it is encouraging to see how others have overcome. We are a body, a community, a family. None of us can stand alone for a life time. We were meant for relationship...And yet, ironically, it challenges my comfort levels in being known. Mystery is so much more comfortable. Controlled. Less vulnerable.

This is where the wonder, grace, mercy, and love of the Holy Spirit comes in, filling the gaps, correcting, guiding...

I become frustrated at myself at times when I really want to reflect Christ in my personality but instead, I fail...miserably. I used to withdraw instead of forging forward, but I realized there is little point to self-depreciation. Changing my perspective on the situation to a positive, constructive response is humbling but required. 
This whole process of being more authentic, knowing Jesus more, being known, - it is all very challenging, exciting, frustrating, humbling...

Onward I go...




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